Saturday, July 30, 2011

One Last Try

As I was cleaning my house yesterday, I was mad.  I thought I was mad because my house was so dirty.  But as I went on cleaning and venting in my head I realized I was mad for a completely different reason.

I feel like a failure.

Now, before you quit reading because you think this is going to be a big ol' pity party on myself please read on.  Feeling like a failure is completely, 100%, my fault.  Nobody made me feel this way or told me that I can't "make" it.  It's quite the opposite in fact.  I have had nothing but support in every corner of my life.  Almost every person who I've talked to that has seen my work or read previous blogs of mine has had nothing to say but good things.  Which is great! 

If I could only believe it myself.  

For some reason, I have nothing but negativity about myself and the things I create.  No, I don't think my stuff is horrible, but I feel the need to constantly compare myself to others and convince myself that I will never be as good as them and therefore, I stop pursuing doing the things that I love.  I realized, that I'm so wrapped up in other's thoughts of me and my work, that I'm scared that I actually will fail and then what?  So, I just don't do anything, which is the same thing, right?

That leaves me here.  Cleaning my house angrily.  So, I say to myself, "Steph, you know you don't have to be like this.  Just actually follow through with something...what a concept!" (For those of you who know me, yes, I am even sarcastic with myself.)  As a result of me, slapping myself in the face, I have, yet another, blog.  But this one's different.  It's not centered on one particular area in my life, it can't be.  I am not all about my son, or all about photography, or all about crafting...I'm a complex girl who can't be put into one subject!! I REFUSE!!! (Oh, heh heh, excuse me, I forgot people were reading...can you help me down from my soapbox??)

So if you want to be apart of my first attempt at actually following through with something, follow me...or whatever it is you have to do to continue to read my stuff.  I'll talk about all sorts of things that peak my interest, from spray paint to spit up.